Lately, it seems like everything i like doing and liked doing, is impossible for me to do.
I haven't really been drawing for, God know how long.. And when I finally do, I see the mistakes before I even get to make them, and I get distracted by other things.
Same with writing. I think writing is the hobby i like doing the most. Maybe rather come up with stories, the writing process can be a pain in the ass.
I've been wanting to write a blog for so long... But I don't wanna make a blog about nothing, just to make one..
When I finally figure out what to write, I, again, see the mistakes before making them.
And in the end, everything I write, dosen't come out as I want.
I just stare at the paper, or the screen, having a billion thoughts I wanna share, but don't wanna share (yes, that's how it feels), and nothing at all comes out. It's like my brain crashes, or I get distracted again.
I'm not really sure what I get distracted from though.. But damn, it's distracting..
I don't know if people have noticed, but I'm pretty bad at answearing, that being on different chat's, messages or text-messages. I've always been, but lately, it's been worse than ever. The ones I care about might find it hard keeping in touch with me. Or maybe not, idk. I'm sorry anyway.
I don't really know where I'm going with all this right now. I know what I wanna tell, it's just like the words in my heads are not getting out. There's so many of them, it's kinda like they all get stuck in the doorway.
It's a chaos in here. I'm filled up with tons of emotions, worries and thoughts, and how wierd it may sound, it's causing me to feel really empty...
I know it dosen't make sense, but I thought of it, being like mixing colours..
If you mix all your painting together, you usually end of with a really grey dull color.
I guess that's what happened to me. I have a hard time, right now, figuring out what I feel. I don't know which emotion to pick. Theres so many of them, they're kinda overlapping and swirling around by their own will.. In the end, I don't end up picking any, i guess because I simply can't, and i feel empty. And I don't really feel much more than that. It's like being ”neither happy or sad. Neither angry or peacefull” No black or white. Just gray, gray and more gray.
It's a new feeling for me. I've always been very emotional in the way, that I always cry to sad movies, I always feel bad for other peoples misery, and it's usually the little things in life that makes me smile..
If all this jabbering about emotions and no emotions, of feeling alot of stuff, and not feeling anything at, all seems conditrictory, and dosen't make sense to you, no worries.
This, also, did not come out, as I wanted it to, but all this does not, to some point, make sense to me either... With all the thoughts, it's hard starting at one place, and finish off at the same place. Instead, I guess, I ended up going around alot of subjects .. Oh well.
I guess though, this will do. It feels nice to finally write again. Maybe this could be a warm up to me, and incourage me to start/finish some of my other writing projects.
Let's just say I have some Zombie project I wanna experiment with :) And not a classic ”Zombie-apocalypse, everyone dies” story. Let's see, right now, it's all in my head, and nothing on paper.
- Emi Milling. 27/10-2010.